It's like riding a bike

Routine is boring.  Nothing is routine.  Confidence is easily attained.  I have no confidence.  

How do you ever know anything?  How do you know you can do it?  You know because you've done it before.  If you've done it before, you can do it again.

At age 30, rarely do I confront something that I have not done before. I know how to do it.  I remember doing it, even if I never gave it a thought.  But I can't do it any more.  And if I can, I can't do it the same.

Every day I fumble to do what once came so easily.  So easily I never gave it any thought.  

Confidence comes from knowing.  Confidence comes from repetition.  Confidence comes from life experience.  

I am living outside of the normal reality; nothing is constant.

It's like riding a bike, except that it's not.

I don't have those

It takes high functioning fingers to swipe a credit card at the gas station pump.

I don't have those.

I no longer pay at the pump.

Remember Away Messages?

One good thing about music, 
When it hits you, you feel no pain.

One good thing about music, 
When it hits you, you feel no pain.

So hit me with music.  
Hit me with music.

Meaning from Nothing at the Addison County Line

I was driving home the other night, from my parents’ house.  The sun was beginning to set, the sky was blue, it was a beautiful evening.  Driving slowly on a dirt road, windows down, life seemed to slow as I enjoyed the sunlight falling on the bright green leaves of the hillside beside me. 

I approached a couple out for a walk.  I thought of what a perfect night it was; what a perfect moment they were sharing. 

As I passed them I slowed to a crawl.  I got the feeling that they weren't enjoying themselves.  They didn't look pleased.  They didn't look as happy as I wanted them to be.

Maybe it was her idea.  Maybe it was his; the walk after dinner tonight.  Maybe they don’t get along.  Maybe they're trying, but it's not working.  Maybe it’s just too much exercise.

I don't know why but they just didn’t look as happy as I thought they should be.  It's so simple.  Getting out and enjoying the weather.  It's so simple yet so incredible.

And maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe they are as happy as they've ever been. Maybe it's unfair to expect so much of something so simple.

Problem Solving

Often times I wear a belt when I don't have to.  I do it because I'm never sure whether I'll be able to button my pants.   If I find myself in the restroom and I can't button my pants, I have a safety net.  These are the things I worry about.

there's more to this story/stitches look like beard hairs

On August 25^th I had about a week’s worth of facial hair, I closed on my house, started to move in, got three stitches in my chin, and was probably slightly concussed.  

Last week I shaved the beard.

At Least Walter Can Go Outside

I bought a house last summer.  It was my first (okay maybe second) true venture into permanence.  Or so I thought.

I’m not a long-term thinker; never have been.  But buying a house is a long-term decision. 

Finally I could build a home; paint the walls, fix the sink, change and improve as I please.  After ten years of renting and never truly feeling home (or maybe I did, I don’t know), I made a big decision and bought a house.

“Bought a house” is just three words, but it would take far more to convey the horrendous pain in the ass that is buying a house.

But eventually I stood at the front door, keys in hand, and the rest was all in the past.  If it weren’t for the joyous expectation of that moment and everything that would follow to counter the never-ending credit checks, endless paperwork, and further plethora of unknowable hassles, no property would ever change hands.

I’m not sure where I was going with this except to say that my dream of permanence fell apart.  For a short time I allowed myself to ignore reality.  Eventually (or not so eventually) I will need to pull the plug, give it up, and experience something new: selling a house.

I do however recommend that keys-in-hand, front-lawn-staring-at-the-house feeling.  It’s nice.

Walter is my cat.