I've been meaning to write about this for a long time: The idea that every day is worse than the day before. With time, my ideas of health and normalcy have changed. In 2011-12, I thought my health had gone to shit, and compared to previous years, it had. But when I look back, I got by okay. 

Most of the time people didn't even know that anything was wrong. And that was my priority, hiding and protecting myself. Instead of letting everyone know and accepting whatever the response would be. 

I've always been good at protecting any of my vulnerabilities, putting up a giant fence and pretending I'm bulletproof. I have a distinct memory of a girl in middle school telling me, "You're so conceited." I certainly acted conceited, but that was only an attempt to protect myself. From all of the shit I had taken growing up as the youngest kid in the neighborhood, and the smallest kid on the bus. 

I was one of those "Is everything okay?" "Yes" before you could even finish the question. I've never been any good at giving or receiving compliments. I've never been good at telling people how I feel. I've often struggled with even knowing how I feel without having to first figure out how the world feels. Even as I knew it wasn't important, I still needed that validation. I needed to know what others thought before I could be confident in what I thought. 

I of course wish that I had the easy confidence that I portrayed, in myself and my decisions. I wish I could've been proactive rather than reactive.

I feel like I'm always going to be remembering yesterday, wishing I had done more. One day I will look back on today with the same feelings. But it's just so difficult to appreciate what you have when you already feel that you have so little.