Ramblings of a Sane Person

I googled "do women have less freedom than men?" not because I didn't know the answer, but because I wanted to see what the internet said on the subject. I read a few things, but nothing seemed to zero in on the areas I was looking for. Quickly, there is an episode of Master of None called "Ladies and Gentlemen" that is in the same vein.

A while back, amongst my ongoing ruminations, I began to think, How would my life have been different if I were a woman? And I don't mean in all of the obvious, surface level ways. 

I have a hard time believing that the male brain and the female brain are all that different. But I have realized that the way I would see the world, would be very different.

I used to revel in my independence. I think it was a big part of my identity for years. I never felt comfortable asking anyone for anything. So often I told myself you're strong, you don't need to lean on anyone. 

I've seen this referred to as an aspect of toxic masculinity. Which of course sounds like a new-age liberal, quasi-feminist man-hating label. But is most definitely a real sociological occurrence that can be partially described as "be a man" mentality.

When I was in college I walked everywhere; I've mentioned this and it is certainly not unusual. I walked to class, to work, to friends' apartments, to parties, to the bars. Most of the time I was alone. I don't know how many times I walked across town from a friend's place or a party, or walked home from the bars, just about always after midnight and often after 2. Again, I am definitely not alone in this, and I never gave it a thought. 

I was walking back to my hotel from a brewpub in Syracuse at maybe 10. It was Empire Brewing; I had a flatbread and a nitro stout. I would've had a second beer but it was packed and the bartender was too busy ignoring me and sneaking sips of vodka. This was the spring of 2012, post-diagnosis. 

I'm midway through the mile or so and a guy yells to me from a distance, asking for some change, saying he has to make a phone call, asking to use my phone. I looked up at first, startled, but didn't acknowledge him and kept walking. He was walking towards me from behind and to my left, and repeated himself, annoyed that I had ignored him. I felt scared and I didn't look back. I was very aware of the situation: if this guy wanted to rob me or cause me any sort of harm, I could not prevent it. If I tried to run I would fall. If I didn't fall I would be moving so slowly that he would easily catch up. In my mind, my fate was being handed over to him.

I never used to feel that way. Granted, walking alone at night in an unfamiliar city played a big role. But I had never felt so vulnerable. And that fear made me paranoid.

As time has passed and I have become less capable, I have encountered these feelings more. I have been shown all of the freedoms I had not considered.

And I began to think about all of the people who don't feel they have those freedoms. I remember a Dave Chappelle story about the time a gangster (drug dealer, whoever) paid him 5 grand and he rode the subway to Brooklyn at 4am with a backpack full of cash. This was when he first moved to the city, was 17, 18 and knew that people would kill for that backpack. The punch line is something like, "So that's when I learned what it's like to have a pussy." I would say, "be a woman" but I'm sure that's not what he said. 

That bit struck me: he had never felt that vulnerable because he never had anything anyone wanted. And by his logic, women always have something men want. And so the fear must creep in. And so you must do your best to avoid those situations.

And so I think of my own life, in this one little area of independence, and I know how different it would've been. It is just assumed that women don't do those things. Walking alone, at night, you're just asking for trouble. And I'm not saying that you should, or that anything will change. I'm only saying that I recognize the privilege of that freedom.