I am constantly being evaluated by professionals, family and
friends alike, and I’m fucking tired of it.
They all want me to be open, to be honest about my experiences, my thoughts
and my feelings. If I am honest with
them, tell them of my daily struggles and deepest fears, I am rewarded with sad
eyes and worried thoughts.
I’m tired of being judged; of being watched as I open a jar
or shovel food into my mouth. Everyone
is constantly on the lookout for the changes they know are coming.
But they can’t see it all, and they ask questions. They tell me I must be forthright. Instead, I often do my best to hide what I
can. It can be a relief to let go, but sometimes
I want to keep some things to myself; pretend it’s not so bad or tell a joke
about my ineptitude. I know; it’s not
funny.
Every moment is an audition.
Don’t fall on those stairs or you will make them all sad. Though you try to act as normal as possible,
they will know it is only a facade.
Maybe if I fall they’ll see it’s no big deal. No, that’s not right. It’s no big deal to me, it is to them.
No one wants to hurt the ones they love. No one wants to see the pain and sadness in
eyes fixed only on them. Why would I
want to tell you about something your eyes did not see? It will only hurt you, and you’re not like
me; you’re not used to the pain.
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