None of this is Useful

I've wanted to write about Anne but I haven't known what to write.  I could write the same things that I've written before.  About how I feel when someone dies so young.  I could write about the future; what could have been and how I'm not so much sad for what was, but for what could have been.  I could write about who she was and what she meant to so many.  I could write about what it felt like to see her; to see her friends and her family and those who cared as she lay there on display.  I could tell you what I saw in the faces of those who came as they looked around the room.  I could talk about the photos that were shared; photos showing youth, energy, enthusiasm, and joy.  And how all that life brought so much pain.  I could tell you what I did to avoid the pain.  I could tell you how I coped in the moment and how I stood silently without feeling.  I could try to imagine what it's like for her husband and the father to be.  I could try but I would fail.  I don't know.  I could tell you a story about her from the brief time we spent together.  I could make it funny; I could make it heartfelt.  I could lie or I could be honest about the way you'll feel today, tomorrow, and forever.  I could try to relate to you, to how you're feeling, to your experiences.  I could try and I'm sure I’d have something to offer, something from my soul, but I'm not sure it would do you any good.  I'm not sure what would do you good.  I could try to tell you, as others invariably do, that time heals all.  That's a lie.  I'd be lying if I said that.  Nothing heals all.  What time does do is create distance.  Time creates distance between us and the past, between us and the people we've lost.  The distance can be a good thing or not.  Ultimately, each day draws us further from those we have lost.  I'm not sure what to say to those who knew her, to those who were closest to her.  My words will not heal your wounds.  If anything will, I haven't found it.

Catherine Anne Raeburn, and her unborn son, Charles George Raeburn, passed away unexpectedly on March 25, 2015, in her home.