Slander of the Day

Healthy Living is a very presumptuous name for a grocery store.  I’ll live however the fuck I want.

Losing It

Look at yourself in the mirror.  Do you like what you see?  Do you look how you would expect?

I see my face first, and it looks about how I remember it.

Then I see the rest of me and it gets more complicated. 

Part of me still seems to be preconditioned to think thin is good.  But thin turns into scary and unnatural very fast.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  A scale would tell me the same thing.

I look at fat as a sign of health.

Hello, Who Are You?

Describe yourself to a stranger.  What do you say?

I'm not sure what I say.  I used to know.  But now I'm not so sure. 

I used to focus on my interests; my work, my free time, what I liked to do.  So much of that has changed.  I don't know who they're meeting. 

It's a difficult circumstance, meeting new people.  Do I avoid the elephant in the room and hope they don't notice or do I bring it up and watch the room fall silent?  Usually I avoid it, because no matter what they might be thinking, strangers rarely ask "What's wrong with you?"  

Maybe they ask someone else.  I don't know.

Out of Respect

I don't usually throw away things that belonged to my brother.

But trashing, or better yet burning Lance Armstrong's "It's Not About the Bike – My Journey Back to Life" is an easy decision. 

I'm sure Nick would already have done so, and thrown in a few "Idiot!" riddled comments along the way.

Out of respect for him, and disrespect to every shameful liar out there, I will dispose of this example of all of the worst aspects of the human existence.

On a Sidewalk in Seattle

I was on a business trip in Seattle and I had had a couple of beers.

I was in the university district, walking down the street and staring at my phone; a text message from a friend.

I kicked a crack in the sidewalk and went down on the pavement, phone crashing into pieces.

Students were all around me, asking if I was okay, if I needed help. 

I felt so embarrassed as I fumbled for the pieces of my phone, trying to put it back together, hands and knees on the sidewalk.

I mumbled "I'm okay," but I didn't feel okay.

I wished no one saw me.  I wished I was alone.  

All I wanted to do was lay there on the sidewalk, close my eyes, and hope it would all go away.

On the Role of Government

You don't need a license to feed the public.  You do need one to cut hair.

A bad haircut is more of a public risk than food poisoning.

Don't Flatter Yourself

If it seems like I'm laughing uncontrollably, I am. 

You're not that funny; I laugh at everything. 

I can't always control it.  It's not that awesome.  

Fatties

So many foods out there are made to be low in fat.  This is supposed to make them better for you.  More accurately it makes them appear to be better for you.

I try to buy the full fat varietals.  Yogurt can be difficult.  Greek is a good trend as it is made to be richer, and higher in fat.  But all these a-holes are making non-fat shit-Greek with skim milk.  And the "full fat" kind is not labeled as such.  It just doesn't say "Reduced Fat" or "0% Milkfat" or "Made with Skim Milk" or whatever other label will make fat-a-phobes feel good about themselves.  Most brands don’t even make anything that isn't "low fat". 

Guess I'm the only consumer who smiles at 68% saturated fat per serving.

The Needs

I feel so vulnerable.  I used to revel in my independence.  I had friends but I didn't feel like I needed them.  I was confident. 

Now I feel like I need people around me, to protect me in some way. 

I'm not sure what that is, but I'm so thankful to have what I need.  I'm so thankful for that.

The Wheels are Turning

Want to create an awkward moment with a group of strangers?  Tell them you have ALS then go silent.  Watch their faces.  Watch them squirm.  

Sunday Driver

Talk of the future should be filled with hope; with the possibilities that time brings.  You look off into the distance and wonder what's to come.

I know what's coming.  I don't know when, and I can't make out the details, but I know what's there. 

The view isn't worth my focus.  Acceptance is a long road and I've been driving slowly. 

Turn the Wheel - It's Easy

When passing a biker in your car, there's a difference between giving him enough room so that you don't hit him, and enough room that he doesn't shit his pants.  Why not give him as much room as you can?

Reality is a Bitch

When going through a rough patch, people tell you to be strong.  What does that mean?

Does being strong mean bottling up your emotions so that the people around you don't have to see them?  And if so, is that what they want?

Everyone says they are there for you, for anything you need.  But if you are strong, you shouldn't need them, right?

It seems to me that it takes more strength to let your emotions show; to let those around you see what is real and be there to help.

A moment of weakness turns out to be a moment of reality we tried so hard to hide.  

Kids

A lot of people seem interested in the why of things.  They look back at the past and try to figure out what they may have done wrong. 

I was a reckless kid.  I went all out in everything I did.  I dove for the grounder when I had no shot at it.  I played tackle football and full contact hockey with kids much bigger than me.  I had too much pride to back down from a fight.  I never thought about whether I would get hurt. 

But that's being a kid.  Kids aren't meant to think about the future.  That's the great thing about it.  Kids live in the moment.

I will never know if any of my behavior contributed to my problems.  It makes no difference to me. 

If you want to blame yourself for an injury I had, a fight I got in, or anything else you feel guilty about, I guess I understand the sentiment.  But if I don't know then you can't possibly know, and feeling a lifetime of guilt isn't going to change a thing. 

Kids are kids.  They get hurt.  They do stupid shit.  They have fun.  

Reconnecting

I've put very little effort into maintaining friendships over the years.  A lot of relationships have fallen by the wayside because they weren't convenient.

But it feels good to see old friends.  Sometimes people change; we grow apart for a reason.  But even if you don't have a lot in common these days, there is always a past you shared.

Don't be ashamed to reminisce.  

Closets

I have a closet full of stuff that I can't use.  A baseball glove, tennis racquet, racquetball racquet, hockey stick, hockey skates, rollerblades, three helmets, downhill skis and boots, cross-country skis and boots, a basketball, snowshoes, golf clubs, and a Frisbee. I have a bike in the garage. 

I have a closet full of stuff that I don't use.  Shirts, ties, suits, trousers, and shoes.  Dry cleaning bags. 

It all seems like lifetimes ago.  

Consistently Inconsistent

I go into the doctor's all the time with questions about what is happening to me.  None have ever been answered to my satisfaction.  I am told things like, “If you think it helps, keep doing it.”  My concerns are countered with gentle nods of understanding.

Turns out each person has a very different experience with this disease.  Knowing how things will progress, how your body will react, how you will feel, and how things will BE, is impossible.  I consistently feel like I know more about it than my doctors do.  It’s not that they are incompetent; it's just that no one has all the answers.

When visiting the doctor people want to be reassured.  They want to hear that their experiences are normal and can be explained.  It's very difficult to feel any comfort when there is no normal.

Hot Dogs

The day I was diagnosed the doctor told me that I had the "better" kind of ALS.  She told me of her friend who had the "other" kind and of the horrible things she (or he, don't remember) had been through.  I guess she thought that by contrast, I had it pretty good. 

A few minutes after I was told I had a degenerative neuromuscular disease, I was being given 

instructions.  At this point nothing seemed very important.

She told me to be a couch potato; to eat fatty foods.  She told me my life would never be the same.

I ate hot dogs for lunch that day.

Maybe You Should Sit Down

If the doctor comes to work on her day off just to see you, it could be serious.  

What's in a Motto

Everything happens for a reason – This is a pile of garbage.  There isn't a reason for everything that happens in this world.  The words accident, coincidence, random, chance, haphazard, arbitrary, unsystematic, indiscriminate, luck, fluke, happenstance, and a whole lot more should be enough to convince you of this.

Everything will work out for the best – What a load of crap.  Next time you have a big decision to make, no worries, even if you totally blow it, you're all set, it'll turn out great.

God has a plan – I'm not saying there is no God (notice the capital G faithful readers), but the idea that someone is put in a certain situation because he or she can “handle it” or is “strong” and can “make the best of it” or some other ridiculous fate-based bullshit, is insane.

Shit Happens – This is obviously my favorite.  It is a true homage to the randomness of the world (or universe for the science dorks).  It is truth and simplicity.  And although you may think I have a negative outlook, “shit happens” is a great way to look at any common mishap in life.  Using this phrase will reduce stress, though caution must be taken not to overuse; some things should stress you out.

Tell Me What to Do

A lot of people seem to want to tell me what to do.  It might be what they think I should be doing, or what they think they would do in my situation.  As if it's that easy to imagine.

I'm sure they do it because they care about me, and if I'm feeling optimistic, I can look at it this way.  But a lot of times I'm too stubborn, or realistic to feel this way.  Instead I think “Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?!”

It's not that I don’t listen; I consider what they have to say.  It's just that I'm so sure that they have no idea what they're talking about.  

Taste Buds

I’m supposed to eat a lot.  Like as much as I can.  High calorie foods.

 

Slightly overweight is considered a good thing. 

And my taste buds work just fine.  Cool.