I separate my life into segments. I suppose everyone does this. Childhood, high school, college, post-college
career, marriage, kids, etc. My
divisions aren’t so mundane. I’ve felt
this way about life ever since my brother passed away when I was 18. For a while that was it; a pre-Nick’s death
phase and a post-Nick’s death phase. As
I got older I realized how different a person I had become, and I’ve chalked a
lot of that up to losing my brother. But
people change. Part of it is just
growing up. A lot has changed since I
was 18.
More recently I’ve been forced to look at my life
again, and divide it up further. In
August of 2011 I was diagnosed with ALS, which brought a new phase in my life
and forced me yet again to see life in a new way. Now I had my pre-Nick’s passing phase and my
post-Nick’s passing phase, as well as my pre-ALS phase and my post-ALS
phase. I put it this way because
obviously the two events are unrelated so though it may seem to make sense to
define them on a purely chronological (i.e. non-overlapping) basis, their
exclusivity does not allow for this treatment.
I try to remember back to a previous phase. It’s been over ten years since Nick passed
and just over two since my diagnosis.
Obviously looking back two years is easier than ten, but it seems that
imagining life in any phase outside of the current one is difficult. The brain quickly adapts to new
circumstances; memories of a previous life quickly become distant.
It is what it is because of the past, and I am what I
am because of the past. I can look back,
tell stories, and try to remember what it was like, but today is what matters;
today is what’s real.
This is one of your best written posts yet.
ReplyDeleteThanks Baynes. I wrote most of this quite a while ago. It was part of a longer piece. I sorta put together a quick ending for it here.
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