In the Moment

People seem to think that if I get down, it's because I'm thinking of the future; the big picture.  Sometimes I get down about the present.  When I am in the moment and those around me are enjoying themselves in a way that I feel I can't.

I went to a wedding this past weekend.  People dance at weddings.  People drink too much at weddings.  They let it all out, forget all their worries, and enjoy the moment.

I try to do the same.  To enjoy myself.  To blend in with the crowd.  To smile, to laugh, to live. 

But I can't dance.  Anxiety fills my mind as I step to the dance floor and move my body awkwardly.  I can think of nothing except "don’t fall" as I try to look as natural as possible.  

And I can't drink too much.  If I am to retain the ability to speak and walk, I mustn't drink too much.

I tiptoe around the people on the dance floor, worried that someone might bump into me.  I move through the crowd on the way to the restroom.  Walking deliberately I avoid eye contact.

When the DJ calls for all the singles (unmarried) out on the floor, I keep my seat.  I'm afraid of what happens next.  What if I have to dance with a stranger? 

When a middle-aged woman gives me a hard time for standing still, not moving to the music, I take the criticism.  I feel some sort of embarrassment, like I'm a stick in the mud, incapable of having a good time.  I try to be invisible.

When someone asks what's wrong, I don't know what to say.  Everything is wrong.